July 28

Wow. Time does fly. Tonight I think I will write whats on my mind instead of the events of my day.

I wonder if everyone my age has trouble finding true friends. Sure, I have an entire group of people I can call upon when I want to go out, but that hardly registers as true friendship. There were two instances where I thought I had found it, but both of those people seem to have forgotten what "I'll always be there for you." means.

I have Courtney. Courtney is great. She's my go-to-girl, because she's one of a few girls I can tolerate. Even though I can turn to Courtney with almost any problem, she isn't around enough. I respect her busy schedule and admire her drive to be in so many activites, but when someone is your best friend they're supposed to be there for you. I barely ever see her. I wish that wasn't true, but she's had this on again off again relationship that takes up any free time she has. It makes me sad, but its not my fault or something I can fix.

I just want a friend. Someone who loves me in a plutonic way. I find myself closing up the inner me because the last time I let the inner me out, I made myself vulnerable and paid the price for it.

This afternoon I watched the movie Sideways. This one man is completely fixated on a failed realtionship with his ex wife and can only remember how wonderful she is. His friend tells him that he seems to only remember her good qualities. He doesn't remember how small she made him feel.

This seems to be some of my trouble. I look back on Mike and Conor and think only of the wonderful times. I don't remember the nights I cried, yelled, screamed, and basically killed myself from the inside out due to their "loyal friendship." However, I seem to remember them only enough to acknowledge that once they happened, so I don't open myself to anyone.

Maybe I am my own problem. It seems a lot of people have tried to be there for me in the realtionship department, but I always turn them away. It never feels right. I'm not sure where the line is drawn between settling and being picky, so I don't know if I'm right or wrong.

Two years of my life consisted of a never ending social life. Essentially, and two year party. Those two years are over. I would do them over, but now I don't want that. I don't want to go back to a state of constant business and being out until 2 in the morning at every given chance. I like my life settled down. But there are still days when I just need to get out of the house, but there is never anyone I can think of that I want to be with. It's sad. I know it's sad, and yet I can't do anything about it.

I think I need someone stronger than me. Someone who won't take my bullshit and just sit me down and say: Kathleen, I think you're awesome. I want to be a part of your life.... a big part! But you're gonna have to let me in there because you need me. I just want to live life knowing you're there to help me when I need it, and able to back off when I want some air. I don't want to date you (wouldn't that be nice to here for a change!) but I do want to take you out when you can't afford it. I want to be your very best friend. Let me in.

No one will ever do that. I understand that. It's just what I need to hear.