The whole family (minus me) is out at some family shin dig. But I'm certainly not in the mood to party down. I'm tired and sick of reality.
Maybe I should just do what Ben suggests and try dating Greg. Greg is so nice and sweet, but I still don't see him that way.
Then there's Neill. I've accepted that I'm leading him on, but I don't care enough to let him go. I truly love him, but I can't date him. (When I say love, I mean I love who he is. He makes me laugh and he makes me happy. It's not romantic love, but it still means the world to me.)
Maybe that's why I always miss Conor. Yeah he's a dick. Yeah he's probably got a ton of STDs now. Yeah he cheated on me. Yes, he is a liar. But I could COUNT on him being all those things. I knew who he was and he knew who I was, and there was no more guessing. I liked that.
Well Courtney just called (Shock!). She wants to come over and hang out.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
July 28
Wow. Time does fly. Tonight I think I will write whats on my mind instead of the events of my day.
I wonder if everyone my age has trouble finding true friends. Sure, I have an entire group of people I can call upon when I want to go out, but that hardly registers as true friendship. There were two instances where I thought I had found it, but both of those people seem to have forgotten what "I'll always be there for you." means.
I have Courtney. Courtney is great. She's my go-to-girl, because she's one of a few girls I can tolerate. Even though I can turn to Courtney with almost any problem, she isn't around enough. I respect her busy schedule and admire her drive to be in so many activites, but when someone is your best friend they're supposed to be there for you. I barely ever see her. I wish that wasn't true, but she's had this on again off again relationship that takes up any free time she has. It makes me sad, but its not my fault or something I can fix.
I just want a friend. Someone who loves me in a plutonic way. I find myself closing up the inner me because the last time I let the inner me out, I made myself vulnerable and paid the price for it.
This afternoon I watched the movie Sideways. This one man is completely fixated on a failed realtionship with his ex wife and can only remember how wonderful she is. His friend tells him that he seems to only remember her good qualities. He doesn't remember how small she made him feel.
This seems to be some of my trouble. I look back on Mike and Conor and think only of the wonderful times. I don't remember the nights I cried, yelled, screamed, and basically killed myself from the inside out due to their "loyal friendship." However, I seem to remember them only enough to acknowledge that once they happened, so I don't open myself to anyone.
Maybe I am my own problem. It seems a lot of people have tried to be there for me in the realtionship department, but I always turn them away. It never feels right. I'm not sure where the line is drawn between settling and being picky, so I don't know if I'm right or wrong.
Two years of my life consisted of a never ending social life. Essentially, and two year party. Those two years are over. I would do them over, but now I don't want that. I don't want to go back to a state of constant business and being out until 2 in the morning at every given chance. I like my life settled down. But there are still days when I just need to get out of the house, but there is never anyone I can think of that I want to be with. It's sad. I know it's sad, and yet I can't do anything about it.
I think I need someone stronger than me. Someone who won't take my bullshit and just sit me down and say: Kathleen, I think you're awesome. I want to be a part of your life.... a big part! But you're gonna have to let me in there because you need me. I just want to live life knowing you're there to help me when I need it, and able to back off when I want some air. I don't want to date you (wouldn't that be nice to here for a change!) but I do want to take you out when you can't afford it. I want to be your very best friend. Let me in.
No one will ever do that. I understand that. It's just what I need to hear.
I wonder if everyone my age has trouble finding true friends. Sure, I have an entire group of people I can call upon when I want to go out, but that hardly registers as true friendship. There were two instances where I thought I had found it, but both of those people seem to have forgotten what "I'll always be there for you." means.
I have Courtney. Courtney is great. She's my go-to-girl, because she's one of a few girls I can tolerate. Even though I can turn to Courtney with almost any problem, she isn't around enough. I respect her busy schedule and admire her drive to be in so many activites, but when someone is your best friend they're supposed to be there for you. I barely ever see her. I wish that wasn't true, but she's had this on again off again relationship that takes up any free time she has. It makes me sad, but its not my fault or something I can fix.
I just want a friend. Someone who loves me in a plutonic way. I find myself closing up the inner me because the last time I let the inner me out, I made myself vulnerable and paid the price for it.
This afternoon I watched the movie Sideways. This one man is completely fixated on a failed realtionship with his ex wife and can only remember how wonderful she is. His friend tells him that he seems to only remember her good qualities. He doesn't remember how small she made him feel.
This seems to be some of my trouble. I look back on Mike and Conor and think only of the wonderful times. I don't remember the nights I cried, yelled, screamed, and basically killed myself from the inside out due to their "loyal friendship." However, I seem to remember them only enough to acknowledge that once they happened, so I don't open myself to anyone.
Maybe I am my own problem. It seems a lot of people have tried to be there for me in the realtionship department, but I always turn them away. It never feels right. I'm not sure where the line is drawn between settling and being picky, so I don't know if I'm right or wrong.
Two years of my life consisted of a never ending social life. Essentially, and two year party. Those two years are over. I would do them over, but now I don't want that. I don't want to go back to a state of constant business and being out until 2 in the morning at every given chance. I like my life settled down. But there are still days when I just need to get out of the house, but there is never anyone I can think of that I want to be with. It's sad. I know it's sad, and yet I can't do anything about it.
I think I need someone stronger than me. Someone who won't take my bullshit and just sit me down and say: Kathleen, I think you're awesome. I want to be a part of your life.... a big part! But you're gonna have to let me in there because you need me. I just want to live life knowing you're there to help me when I need it, and able to back off when I want some air. I don't want to date you (wouldn't that be nice to here for a change!) but I do want to take you out when you can't afford it. I want to be your very best friend. Let me in.
No one will ever do that. I understand that. It's just what I need to hear.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
July 8, 2007
These past few days have gone by rather uneventfully. To be honest, I'd forgotten all about my internet blog, so I logged in today to fill it will these days' past events... but there is nothing memorable popping into my head.
One thing I can remember is that yesterday evening I lectored at our church: St. Mary's in Otis. I really did not want to do it, and was complaining the entire ride over there. I actually thing that I did a splendid job, since Father Kevin acknowledged me in front of the entire congregation. I got a lot of applause, which was nice.
Tomorrow we go on vacation for a week to the UP. I'll report on that when I come back, so if I'm MIA for a while that's why. No computer. Should be nice.
I'm being rather short this evening because I feel really sick. I've had my "visitor" for a week and 2 days now... UGHH! Punishment for 5 months of freedom, I suppose. I feel like crawling into a hole and dying, but I have to clean and finish packing. Arg.
One thing I can remember is that yesterday evening I lectored at our church: St. Mary's in Otis. I really did not want to do it, and was complaining the entire ride over there. I actually thing that I did a splendid job, since Father Kevin acknowledged me in front of the entire congregation. I got a lot of applause, which was nice.
Tomorrow we go on vacation for a week to the UP. I'll report on that when I come back, so if I'm MIA for a while that's why. No computer. Should be nice.
I'm being rather short this evening because I feel really sick. I've had my "visitor" for a week and 2 days now... UGHH! Punishment for 5 months of freedom, I suppose. I feel like crawling into a hole and dying, but I have to clean and finish packing. Arg.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
July 5, 2007
Another sun has risen and set here in Indiana. This afternoon was rather nice, but my good mood was chased away momentarily by the dreaded ex. However, my mood is now in tip top shape now that we are seperated by long stretches of road.
This afternoon I finally recieved my driver's license. This time my drive evaluator was not a big huge blonde devil woman with bad teeth. No, she was a nice little old lady who talked to me and gave me plenty of warning when she wanted me to turn. I passed with flying colors and took a not so horrible picture.
After being home for approximately 30 seconds, I walk in to my mother's room to see her on her cell phone. I of course thought she was talking to my aunt or grandmother, but low and behold, she was talking to the dreaded ex. After much shock, I got the phone and agreed to meet him in Panera Bread in 1/2 hour. 40 minutes later, I sat down to lunch with him. Well, I sat down to a Fubu Berry Jones and he sat down to lunch, since it was about three o'clock in the afternoon. When our conversation wasn't dreadfully dull, it was fully confusing. He seemed to be on the defensive to everything I said, and on the offensive whenever I took a breath. He, for some reason, asked about Neill and I dating. That was ages ago, but apparently Conor thinks that he is obsessed with me.... which is not true. I left our little rendez-vous fully confused, a little angry that I wasted two hours and made no ground friendship wise, and very sad that after I missed him and loved him so very much that I felt very little during our talk. My thoughts are very all over the place right now, but these thoughts are not what I anticipated. I anticipated feelings of happiness or longing, not confusion and anger. Maybe I'm the problem that I expect too much....
Well, that is all that really happened today. I am eager to go on vacation and bike around Mackinac and see the stars, so that's basically where my head will be tonight. Maybe I'll pop in a movie. No school today anyway... huzzah.
This afternoon I finally recieved my driver's license. This time my drive evaluator was not a big huge blonde devil woman with bad teeth. No, she was a nice little old lady who talked to me and gave me plenty of warning when she wanted me to turn. I passed with flying colors and took a not so horrible picture.
After being home for approximately 30 seconds, I walk in to my mother's room to see her on her cell phone. I of course thought she was talking to my aunt or grandmother, but low and behold, she was talking to the dreaded ex. After much shock, I got the phone and agreed to meet him in Panera Bread in 1/2 hour. 40 minutes later, I sat down to lunch with him. Well, I sat down to a Fubu Berry Jones and he sat down to lunch, since it was about three o'clock in the afternoon. When our conversation wasn't dreadfully dull, it was fully confusing. He seemed to be on the defensive to everything I said, and on the offensive whenever I took a breath. He, for some reason, asked about Neill and I dating. That was ages ago, but apparently Conor thinks that he is obsessed with me.... which is not true. I left our little rendez-vous fully confused, a little angry that I wasted two hours and made no ground friendship wise, and very sad that after I missed him and loved him so very much that I felt very little during our talk. My thoughts are very all over the place right now, but these thoughts are not what I anticipated. I anticipated feelings of happiness or longing, not confusion and anger. Maybe I'm the problem that I expect too much....
Well, that is all that really happened today. I am eager to go on vacation and bike around Mackinac and see the stars, so that's basically where my head will be tonight. Maybe I'll pop in a movie. No school today anyway... huzzah.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
July 4, 2007
First day of the blog, and also the 231st celebration of the first day of independance all those years ago. Today, we had family over to swim and cookout, then followed that up with sparklers, bottle rockets, and roman candles. Kasey and Hayley's friends Emily and Leenie came over and invited the girls to see fireworks at Sunset Hill, so our famly decided to follow in the steps and head over there. The fireworks were pretty weak, except for the finale, which was adequate. Basically, it was a letdown for me, but whatever. Independance is independance. Who am I to complain?
Tomorrow will be my second chance at obtaining a drivers' license. Since I failed my first drive test for bumping a curb, I have to go back tomorrow. This appointment was actually scheduled for Tuesday, but they changed it to Thrusday without telling us. We showed up all ready only to find out we'd make the trip back in two days. Not too happy about that. I am very happy to finally get this license. Although this means I now have to find a car plus money for petrol and insurance, the thought of being totally mobile is very enticing.
Tomorrow also could be frightening. The dreaded ex Conor and I will be seeing each other for the first time in months, and everytime I see him is scary. I never know what to expect. Maybe I'm just a pesimist (which I never was until I met him) but I'm prepping for the worst. I don't know what that could be. A friendship can't be much worse off from non-existant, so I guess we've nowhere to go but up.
Time for more fireworks. Ta ta for now.
Tomorrow will be my second chance at obtaining a drivers' license. Since I failed my first drive test for bumping a curb, I have to go back tomorrow. This appointment was actually scheduled for Tuesday, but they changed it to Thrusday without telling us. We showed up all ready only to find out we'd make the trip back in two days. Not too happy about that. I am very happy to finally get this license. Although this means I now have to find a car plus money for petrol and insurance, the thought of being totally mobile is very enticing.
Tomorrow also could be frightening. The dreaded ex Conor and I will be seeing each other for the first time in months, and everytime I see him is scary. I never know what to expect. Maybe I'm just a pesimist (which I never was until I met him) but I'm prepping for the worst. I don't know what that could be. A friendship can't be much worse off from non-existant, so I guess we've nowhere to go but up.
Time for more fireworks. Ta ta for now.
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