I had a dream last night that was pretty fun.

I am pretty sure I was at a concert hall to see a performance. I don't remember what kind of performance. I also don't remember my own social status, but by looking at the surroundings I would guess affluence was the theme of the evening.

Anyway, I managed to come across a handsome boy that had very dark skin. I know he wasn't African American... maybe Indian or something. Anyway, I ended up separated from my family and immersed in his. I met his parents and his many siblings, most of whom who were girls. All of us were older.

Somehow we all ended up in the car of his oldest sister, and we were driving around looking for a place to eat. I sat with the Indian boy and he put his arm around me. I guess at the moment I did not care.

We finally found a place to eat that seemed pretty seedy but I was assured that it was a really great hole in the wall place. We got out of the car and the Indian boy and I were the last ones out. I can't remember why, but he put this thing on my head. A scarf type thing. He said I was beautiful and he could see it. I didn't understand, but thinking about it I realized it was either a culture thing for every day or a wedding. I was flattered. The boy was very charming.

We all sat down to dinner together and I sat next to the boy. This makes is clear it was a dream... I was brave enough to place my hand on his leg under the table. He grabbed my hand and it was almost like a fairy tale. Instantly we loved each other, and the thought of not having the other one was almost unbearable.

For some reason, before we even got to eat, we had to leave in a rush. Something was happening. We drove quickly to a mansion looking type house where someone was having a party. There were a lot of drunk people on the front lawn... some of whom staggered over and introduced themselves to me only to quickly stagger back to where they were serving the drinks.

The Indian boy and his family rushed me inside the house and through a corridor that led to a back street where a car was waiting. They all got through quickly, but I was stopped by a guard or something until the Indian boy's sister assured me that I was going with them. I was so confused as to what was happening.

We all got into the car, and then for some reason the kid's grandmother called for them behind the gated door to the back street. I thought of my family and how caught up I had become in the entire night. The Indian boy was getting into the huge car and was calling me on, but I just stood. He kept calling.

Eventually he got out and asked me what was wrong. I told him I could not go where they were going (I do not remember where or why). He pleaded with me saying that he could not live without me now. I was terrified of leaving him, but the prudent side of me won over. He had to get in the car, and promised before they drove off that he would be back for me.

Then they were gone and I woke up.


Weird huh?

I found out a few days ago that I'm going to be living in Greece for a couple years!!

Pretty exciting, huh?

Right now I'm trying to decide if I should buy a car here and then have it shipped over to Greece or if I should just hold tight and buy something there. I'm not sure. I will probably end up waiting until I get there to decide what to do. I'm not exactly sure what culture I am walking in to, but I'm very excited to find out.

Adam and I are talking about the distance, but I'm not so worried about it. I was at first, but I'm pretty confident that we will be fine. AND IM GOING TO BE LIVING IN GREECE! Its hard to be sad when I think about that.

Living in Europe. Jeez. Its all part of my dream! I hope that its everything that I am hoping it will be. I know living on base won't exactly be living in the midst of Greek culture but I have to be sure to get out and see things. Thats why I need transport. If I had a car here, I would be in DC every weekend but I dont so getting to the museums and monuments is hard!

I'm told by intructors and students alike that I am so so lucky... some even smirk at me. I know its part jealousy and that makes the whole thing even better.

Adam came and subsequently left.


I am empty again.

The Letter I Will Not Send

Dearest Adam,

There are ten days in between you and I right now. Each day starts and finishes slowly, but it does indeed finish and is another step toward you.

When we're not talking, I often think about what it is you're doing. I think, is he lying down? Is he studying? Is he smiling or frowning? Thinking of me?

Its hard to think that 600 miles away you are living a normal life. You really are there just like I really am here. Other people see you every day. They pass you on the street and don't even know you or how lucky they are that they just got to see you. They don't realize what I would trade to be them. I suppose I am grateful they do not realize... they won't fall in love with you like I have and then I will not risk losing you.

Do you know that I am yours? Do you understand that, for most of my life, my world revolved only around myself? And then you came along and I thought: This is just fun, because this can never last. And it was fun. It was the most fun I'd known. It was safety. It was love.

But I thought I could live without you, but even in the lowest part of my life, I have ever completed (basic training), you were in my thoughts. I didn't know what you were doing or who you were with. I didn't know if you thought about me. But I didn't get the choice. I ran for you. I worked for you. I cried only once at boot camp, and the thought of you pulled me out of it.

Do you know now that my world is yours? That it depends on you? I find happiness in your happiness. I find suffering in your suffering. I find all the motivation to make this work in the sound of your voice.

I can't even touch you but you're the person closest to me in my life. If I could choose only one person to live with, to see for the rest of my life, it would be you.

I love you and you will never lose me. I am yours forever.

Love,
Kathleen

I am his.

Adam recently has been giving himself a lot of trouble about being with Sarah.

Every time I see her I think about what she has taken from me. What Adam allowed her to take from me. Being young and in high school, Adam and I never had anywhere to go but each others houses. Since my home offered very very little privacy, it was usually in his house that we spent time together.

We would lie together on his couch. If we were sitting up he would let me put my legs across his lap and I could lean my head against him. If we were lying down his arm would rest around my waist. With the turn of my head, I could kiss him. And in an instant, we could be moving against each other, our lips feverishly working to please the other. That couch came to feel like a safe place. No one could hurt me there because if I was there, so we he.

And she took that. She stole it from me. I don't want to sit on that couch again. I don't want to think about it. He stole it from me too. From us.




He can hear it in my voice. And if I ever see that couch again, he will see it on my face. I won't sit there. Thats her place now and I don't want to be near it.

I think he knows how much it hurts me. I think he really let himself have it. One part of me says good. Because you ruined a majority of the memories I have of falling in love with you. Are you happy? Was kissing her worth that? Worth that horrible pain that I feel in my chest even now?

The bigger part of me just wants him to feel better. I don't want him to hurt. Because I feel the hurt, and its enough to break you sometimes. I don't want him to break. I want him to be happy.

So I'll shut up about it as much as I can. I'll say forget about it...

... and think about it every day.

Only love can be both heaven and hell.

I love Adam.

I've never really been this lonely before. But at the same time, I've never really been in this kind of situation before.

Sometimes I get this very empty feeling. And I say Kathleen be happy be happy be happy. Because you chose this.

I did. And I couldn't afford college. I wanted to serve my country. Five years didn't seem like a very long time really. Maryland didn't seem very far away from home.

Then I fell in love, and every good there is in this place is diminished by the fact that I would be supremely happy if only I could see Adam more than once every couple months. I'm so sad without him. Sometimes I almost feel helpless.

I have never felt that before. I was always strong. Never attatched. Motivated to be better and never tied down to something I couldn't easily untie. I can't untie this. I can't undo this love and its so amazing to know that. To feel that. I just want to know why there has to be this distance.

Adam comes soon. Very soon. I'm dying for it. I need to feel his arms around me. I need to see him smile. I need to tell him that I love him. I need those things. I need them more than I need the physical pleasure he gives me (well I need that too but not as much).

Can't I just see him more often? Can't something work out? Can't we be together?

Do I really have to pay this horrible price? Because I will. I will pay it happily if there is no other way, but God if there is a way, please let me find it.

I can't untie myself this time.