I love Adam.

I've never really been this lonely before. But at the same time, I've never really been in this kind of situation before.

Sometimes I get this very empty feeling. And I say Kathleen be happy be happy be happy. Because you chose this.

I did. And I couldn't afford college. I wanted to serve my country. Five years didn't seem like a very long time really. Maryland didn't seem very far away from home.

Then I fell in love, and every good there is in this place is diminished by the fact that I would be supremely happy if only I could see Adam more than once every couple months. I'm so sad without him. Sometimes I almost feel helpless.

I have never felt that before. I was always strong. Never attatched. Motivated to be better and never tied down to something I couldn't easily untie. I can't untie this. I can't undo this love and its so amazing to know that. To feel that. I just want to know why there has to be this distance.

Adam comes soon. Very soon. I'm dying for it. I need to feel his arms around me. I need to see him smile. I need to tell him that I love him. I need those things. I need them more than I need the physical pleasure he gives me (well I need that too but not as much).

Can't I just see him more often? Can't something work out? Can't we be together?

Do I really have to pay this horrible price? Because I will. I will pay it happily if there is no other way, but God if there is a way, please let me find it.

I can't untie myself this time.