I never really understood sadness before. Not constant sadness.

I didn't get how people felt it. I guess I was lucky.

I need friends. I don't really have any. And I'm not very good at keeping up with people. So I'm losing a lot of friends I used to have.

I feel like all the advice I've ever taken, every step, has been to prove to everyone that I am worth something. That I'm good enough. I want people to be proud of me. Genuinely proud. Like mom and dad are.

I feel like I'm losing my family. I feel like I'm even losing Adam.

My sadness lately has been making us fight more. Not fight really. I just get upset and he starts apologizing for things he didn't do.

I feel like I'm hurting him by staying with him. Can I put him through years of lonliness?

If not, can I leave the only thing that makes me feel safe and good and happy.

I know I am strong enough to get through things like this. That someday I'll have a friend again so I'm not so dependant on Adam. So I don't hang on every word.

But he can be happy because he has more than I do.



I've always had more than everyone else. I guess its my turn to be sad. I guess its time to pay for all that happiness I had.

My career is perfect. But my life is falling.

Im kinda upset about something stupid.

I asked Adam what if for some reason we separated and didnt see each other until a few years later. What would he do?

He said he would ask me to go out with him.

I said that I would tell him that I never stopped thinking about him. That I would kiss him.

He said he'd kiss me back. No. That he think he would.

Then I asked would he still if he had a girlfriend.

He basically said he might. Hed have to have alot of willpower to not kiss me.




Maybe for someone else that would be enough.




But I asked Conor that same question a couple years ago. There was no doubt. He said regardless of the time, regardless of who he was with, that he would kiss me. That he would want me. He would leave a girlfriend, a wife, anyone for me.

Conor and I aren't even together but he was sure. Adam and I want to get married and Adam seems to be able to resist the thought of me.








Its amazing how you can go from feeling loved to feeling 2 ft tall in a matter of words.