I never really understood sadness before. Not constant sadness.

I didn't get how people felt it. I guess I was lucky.

I need friends. I don't really have any. And I'm not very good at keeping up with people. So I'm losing a lot of friends I used to have.

I feel like all the advice I've ever taken, every step, has been to prove to everyone that I am worth something. That I'm good enough. I want people to be proud of me. Genuinely proud. Like mom and dad are.

I feel like I'm losing my family. I feel like I'm even losing Adam.

My sadness lately has been making us fight more. Not fight really. I just get upset and he starts apologizing for things he didn't do.

I feel like I'm hurting him by staying with him. Can I put him through years of lonliness?

If not, can I leave the only thing that makes me feel safe and good and happy.

I know I am strong enough to get through things like this. That someday I'll have a friend again so I'm not so dependant on Adam. So I don't hang on every word.

But he can be happy because he has more than I do.



I've always had more than everyone else. I guess its my turn to be sad. I guess its time to pay for all that happiness I had.

My career is perfect. But my life is falling.