Adam and I broke up.

I think the only reason I ever doubt how much I love Adam is when my parents make it sound like loving him is stupid.

Like I'm a kid.

Yeah, I am a kid. But I love him. He makes me happy. He makes me feel like a real life magic exists whenever I can set aside every fear just so I can embrace him tighter and tighter.

Adam is young and I am young, and we will grow. By the grace of God, we will grow together and love every change and every thing that stays the same. But if for some terrible reason things don't happen the way I so often dream they will, I can know this:

I loved him. I love him now and no one's opinions or concerns or condecesion can change that. Not even a little bit.

Sometimes I feel like I'm honest to God going to collapse in on myself. Its only been two days since I left home.

Now I've got nothing warm to hold on to and as a cold creature, I need that balance.

Dear God please make me better. Please let this stop because I don't know how healthy it is to never be happy when he's not around.

Maybe I just need to get out of Fort Meade, just something new, but even when Greece comes and even when its new and fun, it will eventually become old.

It will eventually be the same.

I will eventually be nothing but a girl ridiculously dependent on a boy 5,000 miles away who pretends to be the American dream, but is really just a snapshot of it.

Inside theres more, and I wish there wasn't.

Another thing that mattered to me turns out not to have mattered at all.

The only reason... the only only only reason that I am trying to stop being sentimental is so that you will miss it.

I love telling you how much I love you. I love when a song makes me miss you so much I want to cry. I love that every single time I'm having a good time, I think about how much better it would be with you.

But you don't do that... I wish you would. But I'm starting to accept that you won't. You make me happy anyway... I don't want to ask you to change.

Even if I did want to, what good is asking for someone to make them feel like they want you. It takes everything out of it.

Here's the thing...

If I want to stop being sentimental just so that you will miss it, that would mean you would have to feel like me.

I don't want you to feel like me. I want you to never question that I love you.

I'd just love it if you told me you liked the things I say.

"I love when you tell me you love me. I love knowing you think about me! God, please don't stop saying those things. They make me so happy!"

I'd love to hear you say that once. But you won't. I guess thats okay.

I don't want to stop feeling sentimental. I want you to feel wanted.

I want to feel wanted.

Please make me feel special like you used to. I don't know if I can go forever wishing that you would.

I miss him too much. Im like, starting to make my stomach hurt.

I realize this is a blog to rant... that I don't write here when I'm happy. I write when I'm sad. Because here in this God forsaken place I am completely alone. I have no family. Theres not a single soul that touches me or kisses me or hugs me... because Adam isn't here and that isn't anyone else's place. I'm so lonely.

I crave the physical, but oddly its only from Adam that I want it. Hand me the most attractive man in this state, and I will turn in disgust. I only want him.

I miss him so much tonight I feel like there is something pulling me apart from the inside. I can't stand that other people get to have him. Those people don't know the gift they have. Thats good I suppose, if they did then they would love him as I love him and then what would be his reason for staying with me?

I'm so scared. I want to be near him. I need him. God, I don't know how to be happy without him. I did once, but I don't remember.

He's the best thing thats ever happened to me.

And yet, this love is killing me. Its crippled me. Hes ruined me for sure. How can someone show you perfection, let you taste it, and then expect you to want less?

God please let us be together soon. Its so unfair. I've been so good. Please give me this one thing.