I tend to write here whenever Adam makes me sad. And when he says,

"I don't want to leave it this way. I want to know you're okay."

What can I say? Hey Adam I'm not okay and its going to bug me on a while so settle in?


I think thats why this blog is so sad. I write here what I can't tell him.

I think you're a fool.

Why?

You're different now. You're a doormat.

I am not a doormat.

Oh yes you are... you've allowed yourself to become weak. You give in to him so easily. And even when you have a right to be mad you get over it sooner than he deserves.

Adam deserves to be forgiven. He never wants to hurt me.

Then why does he do it so often.

He doesn't hurt me in big ways. They are small ways.

Like when he kissed Sarah.

....

I'm your mind. I know what you think. You think you are small. You think you're not pretty enough. Not smart enough. That you don't drink and party and you are too closed minded. You cry about it when you know no one can see you and you just tell him you can't talk.

We all mess up.

When was the last time you messed up.

Adam was drunk when he kissed Sarah.

Do you believe that?

I think so.

Hm...

I wasn't drunk when I kissed Eric. I wanted to do it.

So, then Adam wanted to kiss Sarah.

I know.

So? You have no right to be upset.

I have no right to be upset.

But you are.

Yes.

And always will be.

Yes.

I think thats silly.

So do I. If I could erase one thing from my mind it would be that knowledge. He ripped me in half.

You know who else did that?

Yes.

And Conor... how did that work out.

I was 16.

And now you're 18. Whats the difference.

Two years and a lot of lessons.

Don't be that girl.

What girl?

The one who dismisses legit points because she doesn't want to hear them.

I have to be that girl. If I'm going to be in this relationship with this man then I am going to have to ignore the things other people say. I have to. I have to make this work.

Why?

Because I love him. I truly do. More than anything. I need him.

Is that enough?

I hope so.

Me too.

I'm scared that these 4 years will not work.


Being without him is so hard. So hard that when he speaks with such certainty that we will end up together I wonder if he truly understands what hes stepping into.

He's going to leave me. I know it.

Everyone always leaves.

I love him.

Everyone I love leaves.

Or I leave.


And any one whos been left knows that its easier to leave.

A lot of times I feel like I want to be young like them! I want to be so thin too so I don't feel like he's seeing a lot of thin girls and wondering why I'm not like that.

A lot of times I'm okay with myself. People tell me I am beautiful and sometimes I believe it. But how can I be looking like I do now? I don't know why I feel like this right now.

And when I am immature its not funny or cute. Because people EXPECT MORE FROM ME! So even when I want to be young I can't be because I'm being judged. Get me out of here. I want to go away. I want to fall asleep but I'm not tired.

I want to be in a state where I don't care. I've never been in that place before and I'll bet you its pretty nice.

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same.

Kathleen Ann I Am A Trusting Idiot Who Is Sad Too Much And Happy Too Little O'Keefe

I woke up today and changed my profile picture to a photo of orchids.

I could not look at myself.

I do not know why.